Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
