Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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