hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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