I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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