id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
