Are we in a gay sports bar?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Randomize
