Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
