I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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