she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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