No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Randomize
