I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
