I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
