Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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