It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
