No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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