if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
