U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
what day is it and did you see me today?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
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