i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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