he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
