why didn't you poke me back
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
