Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize
