I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
