i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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