I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
