TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
