I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
