mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
