You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
