I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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