The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
