just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
