I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
