Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
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