I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
