do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
