I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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