Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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