Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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