How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
