Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
