I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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