The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
