You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
