So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
