u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
