it's too hot outside to masturbate.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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