I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
