I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
