I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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