sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
