You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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