I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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