Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
