I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
