I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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