Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
