I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
