I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
